If

"If" is such a little word full of unpleasant possibilities. "If" casts a looming shadow over any conversation: If I weren't so tired I would be blogging more, vacuuming the house on a regular basis, reading more than 5 pages per night, writing letters, knitting, putting together crafts for Bee to do with her nanny.

If only I didn't have to work and could stay home for a just a while attending to my family and my home. If only it were possible to have it both ways--career and a fulfilling home life. Sometimes I think I have the balance right and it is possible to do both. Other times I feel pushed from one extreme to the other. Home eats work; work eats home. The result: girl on the couch in a stupor watching YouTube.

The thing about the word "if" is that is usually leads nowhere productive. "If" usually starts a whine "if only . . ." a complaint "if you hadn't. . ." or bribery "if you eat all your vegetables, then you can have dessert." It's a dead end word.

So instead of "if" I am going to choose "now." At least for right now. So right now, I am going to take the dog for a nice quiet evening walk and enjoy the warm summer night.