Tempest in a tea pot

I have such a way of getting all stressed out and upset about things that are ridiculously far off in the future. The rational part of my brain is screaming at the emotional part to "Get a grip!" Despite my best efforts, around and around I go.

This generally starts to happen when I don't have enough to do at work. My job is structured so that I am very busy all morning, right up until lunch. After lunch is another story. It is a wasteland of staring at my computer screen and watching the minutes slowly pass by, trying desperately to find something useful to do.  That is when my mind starts wandering and I start thinking about preschool for Bee.

Why preschool?  I have no idea. I guess it is because Bee has a decent child care arrangement here.  She has a daily caregiver, a routine, friends in the park, and I am able to be home before 5:30 every day. Moving back to the US in a few years is the great unknown. I know where my job will be but I don't know where we will be living. I don't know whether I will have a job that will require me to work long hours.  I just don't know.  

I want Bee to have the kind of childhood that I had. I went to preschool.  My Mom worked part time. We had family outings to the pool, to museums, to story hour at the library. As a working mom, I feel like a failure in that regard. 

I want to be one of those moms driving an SUV, taking their baby to "Mommy and Me" yoga, with a planner full of play dates. I want to be busy being a Mom to my daughter.  On the other hand, I don't want to give up my career.  Life on one income, where we would live, with my husband's current job, would be, quite simply, impossible.  I am a working Mom.  I have my dream job that I worked so hard to obtain.  I fear that giving it up would make me bitter.

I try to straddle the middle line.  I work all day, but come home and try to make the most of my time with my daughter. We read books, we cook together, we play play-doh.  I am focused on her, (that is, unless I send her with her father to pick up a pizza because he came home too late to cook dinner.) I am certain that my Bee knows who her parents are. She puts her trust and love in us, and sees her caregiver as a good pal.  

I don't want Bee to be in an unimaginative day care, that stifles her creativity and intelligence. I know we'll work it out, in two years time. For me, though, the Great Unknown hides more dragons than butterflies.